A mirror

Sometimes when I play FFXI, I can't help but find it funny, that FFXI showed true side of myself, maybe.

Sometimes it wasn't until "something" happened in FFXI, that I realized my own weakness. Although I have no idea why.

I agree, I don't particularly good, or like to deal with human relationships. I understand the importance of it for anyone want to be successful, as doing anything irl or in this game is all about connections.

Thus I often try to please other, but in reality, actually hold a grudge....and when I hold a grudge against another person, I'm not going to show it by saying "you're a retard" right in his face. So in the end I ended up being the one getting hurt the most.

There are plenty of players I've met in XI, with all sorts of different way to deal with connections. I know ppl that's nice and often ^^ for everything, and good at hiding their attitude under a sweet and happy mask, or ppl that is extremely rude for everything. The ones who will get most friends however, is the type of player that's sincere and modest. However, it doesn't seem to have much connection to how successful a player is.

The way I'm doing things, is probably different from a lot of other ppl. Other ppl often just /blist or straight ignore, or ask "what's your problem with me". But that's not type of person I am, I often suppress it, for many reasons, but probably mainly because I hate emotional reactions. However, I also easily hold a grudge for other ppl's rude attitude. And a lot of times their attitude may not be THAT rude, just that I'm extremely sensitive towards rude attitude.

So eventually it fires back, and when it did, it hits hard.

Not that I like others to please me/kiss my ass, just like how I hate to kiss other's ass/please others(although I do it often). Any attitude that tried to please me/rude/not trusting, will make me feel extremely uncomfortable.

So there's one person, that his attitude I don't particularly like, but he is quite a good player. I've been trying to get him into legion group, and he does showed interest. But his attitude, probably deserves a straight /blist from me.

So there comes the decision, get him in, deal with it, for the benefit of entire group(Afania's correct choice), straight say "no" in his face, to revenge(Afania's incorrect choice). Or setup a trap, to make him look bad in front of everyone and made him lose face, and still get him in(Afania's "want to" choice)

Of course the only correct choice ever exist is No.1 for me. I suppress personal emotion/preference for the sake of being successful due to how obsessed I'm with being successful. Whenever I make ally for legion, I sometimes got mad at Ganu when he invited ppl: I try to fill up the spot with players best suited for certain spot and priority is based on performance, while Ganu invited ppl in LS then adjust the pt based on ppl's job. 99% of playerbase do things in Ganu's way, since ppl tend to play MMO with friends/for fun, while I "use" every player like a chess piece, that every player in that spot has to perform properly, and will toss/sacrifice any chess piece to ensure victory. Value result over individual. Whoever plays long enough with me probably already know it, Tavera often call me "Robot" because I'm cold as ice. Zeig once said I will probably kick him out of Provenance watcher ally until he finishes Rag. Sziha once said I only want to get things done my way.

Of course, not everyone is happy with it, I swear I heard unhappy noise after some ppl left Nyzul V2 static. But under the name of "for the benefit of whole group", suppressing personal emotion/preference always wins.

So following such formula, the correct choice will be No.1. I go kiss that player's ass despite I don't like his rude attitude, we got a good player for higher win rate. There's no way I'd say no in front of face even if I want to.

But then I realized, I've been lying long enough.

Lying to myself, especially.

I know plenty of players that's good at kissing other's ass/pleasing other player just to gain an advantage, so why can't I do the same.

Maybe, maybe sometimes I need to be fucking honest about how I feel for fucking just once.

I guess, this world just isn't fair for average ppl. Bad ass ppl that's good at something, gets to be rude and bad ass, and still have everyone pleasing him/kissing his ass just because he's good. While we average commoners have to please our boss, please bad ass ppl, wears a smiling mask to everyone to survive in this world and be successful, then come back and rant on blog like a whiny little girl.

Fuck. This. World.